A First Class Fail

I did post todays blog but due to a ridiculously unnecessary postal strike it has not arrived. I think its more dramatic and meaningful to leave it there actually... 

Bullying in the Workplace

You may recall the furore over MP's expenses not so long ago, it wasn't a low profile incident to say the least. Well the first official inquiry into the matter was completed and delivered this week - ensuring as fearful a start as possible for our parliamentarians. It was a rather soft ruling, concentrating primarily on fairly arbitrary issues such as how much you should claim for cleaning and gardening and the like (but you have to start somewhere right? and i don't think we will be leaving it here what ever they might think)

Quite a few of the tricksy politicians saw themselves handing back a grand here and a grand there but hey, its not such a huge price to pay to regain public confidence is it? well i guess it must be because now they reckon they are being "victimized".

I don't know if i want to continue... I really thought we were getting somewhere... but no. Apparently having a healthy interest in how your own money is spent and being a bit peeved when you find out its going towards dusting down your local MP's Laura Ashley furniture sweet now constitutes bullying. Bullying? Really? because if i had to describe an example of bullying it might be... Oh How about; forcing someone to give you money weather they like it or not, no matter how little they have (threatening to lock them up if they don't) and then proceeding to piss said monies up the wall on what ever you choose - including on your self if you so wish and also not allowing the people you from whom have been pilfering cash to know where half of it goes. Sound familiar?

Oh yeah is the fucking tax system...

And for your visual delight this week I have drawn a lovely picture of Jacqui Smith making an apology she didn't mean. (If you saw her saying sorry in the house of commons this week and looked into those shifty eyes - you would have known she didn't mean it).

Back to Work

Tomorrow is monday (at the time of writing) kids have been back at school for well over a month, Adolescents back at collage for similarly long and even university students are starting to think about putting a post-it note of their deadlines on the edge of their computer screens so they don't forget! Summer is but a distant memory, christmas a looming nightmare and yet our MPs are not even back from their holiday break... until tomorrow. unbe-fucking-lievable.

Don't worry its not that bad, they have been working a bit (although not for us) this past few weeks. Every year the political parties like to have a get together and mull things over before going back to work - its the PARTY POLITICAL CONFERENCES. Gasp. Applause? Maybe not. So for my first blog back, a brief break down of how they went? well its that or X-factor... the conferences? good choice.

1. Liberal Democrats - it was dull (they all were, so lets take that as standard) it was a mess actually. They all contradicted each other and couldn't seem to decide what was policy and what wasn't - they even got a bit snippy with Vince Cable for making a decision without asking enough people first, which might be a good reason to get snippy but given this is one of the few times in the year people are actually paying attention to the Lib Dems - is it a good idea to get all snippy with probably the only person in the party who has enough talent and intelligence to be an asset to government and in doing so come across as fussy, wet drama queens? short answer? no. Long answer? also no.

2. Labour - it was dull (touching on a previous point) it was forgettable. Or, as I heard it described rather ludicrously at one point "not one of the classic conferences". Amazing. There are classic conferences? my mind is blown. Arching back onto topic, it wasn't good or bad - it was medium (or middling, or whatever the correct adjective is) it doesn't merit any more discussion than that.

3. Conservative - it was... dull, correct! and sort of good but not in a "I now love the conservatives way" more of a "yeah, that was a smooth running conference i guess, or at least as smooth as a conference can be with Boris Johnson crashing about and fucking things up" sort of an affair. Strangely i found myself liking George Osborne, the shadow Chancellor, he seemed to actually explain what he intended to do if in office, which is fairly unprecedented, so two thumbs up to him. unfortunately those two thumbs quickly wilt after hearing Eric Pickles (the Conservative Party Chairman) open his mouth and spew a torrent of benign and tiresome Tori mantras. Best of the three but I wont be voting on the strength of party conferences and if we are honest neither are you so this has been a complete waste of time. 

In other news Barrack Obama won the nobel peace prize. Possibly the first person to win the peace prize for just saying "peace would be nice"... maybe Miss World will win it next year for similar sentiments?

In Recess

Unfortunately for me I must engage with REAL life once more. As i am away the blog will be on hold once more, parliament has broken up for the summer anyway and as I place most of my attention onto them for this it would probably be slim pickings for content anyway... 

So... SEE YOU IN SEPTEMBER!

Please sir, can I have some more?

I wanted to analyze a debate that has fallen into an incomprehensible obscurity this week. Like all arguments that blaze for a bit too long without reaching a conclusion, Helicopter-gate is now very difficult to follow - but we shall try... With a recent surge in activity by our army in Afghanistan we have seen a lot of casualties coming from the region, bringing total deaths in the Afghan war up to a critical level and sparking questions from all about whether or not we should be there at all. Somehow, through all the numbers, statistics and points raised, the thing that has really stuck in the media and political limelight is helicopters...

It starts out as a reasonable question about whether we have enough helicopters. It continues with a reasonable response that we do have enough helicopters. Then someone who used to be in the army said they should have more helicopters. Then someone who IS in the army says they have just about enough helicopters but wouldn't mind more helicopters because they would be useful. The government says they have given 60% more helicopters which sounds like a lot, but then we find out we actually only have 10 helicopters anyway and thats not actually a lot at all...

So then the government comes out and says that we do have enough helicopters but we are going to give them more helicopters (even though we just said they have enough) and then there will be enough helicopters for sure! Now, by this point, i have heard the word HELICOPTER so many times my head is spinning faster than a set of propellers and the argument itself has become almost impossible to recall without a haunting montage of grown adults saying that one word again and again until they all start to sound like children playing with their favorite Transformer toy... 

"Mum! he has a gun and he has a missile and... and... he turns into a HEWICOPTER! but the Autobots don't have enough hewicopters to fight back! A HEWICOPTER MUMMY, A HEWICOPTER!!!!!!!"

I close the debate with the ONE statistic that really puts it into perspective; we have about 8000 troops in Afghanistan, and they have 10 helicopters. The USA have about 8000 troops in Afghanistan also, and they have 120.

This meeting sucks, Berlusconi - call the girls!

It feels like we are always having G8's or G12's or G20's. I do remember when there was maybe one a year? now it seems like we cant go five minuets without the world's leaders getting together under their self fashioned rap name. For any body not familiar with the G8\12\20 (we will just call them the G-unit shall we?) its essentially a big meeting between the richest countries where they sit around and discuss important things that smaller, crapper countries wouldn't understand.

its held in a different country every time, this weeks being in Italy hosted by playboy Berlusconi, who has very kindly taken time out from leaching over teenage glamour models and brushing off some very public divorce proceedings to accommodate our very own Gordon Brown, Jesus H. Obama and the rest of the big players. After a few photos for their face books, a bit of lunch and a nice mutual blow-job for the press' benefit the real work can begin...

Increasingly this "real work" consists of trying to feel out an agreement for how to cut carbon emissions and put a stop to climate change - as it rightly should. Luckily we are generally past all the "climate change doesn't exist" bull shit. Its unbelievable that some people took this view to be quite honest - to say we, the human race, might not cause climate change is a feeble argument but at least it makes some sense! but saying climate change doesn't exist at all! what was the Ice Age then dick heads? just a bad winter that went on a few weeks longer than normal? try a few thousand years longer.

Anyway, having established that climate change can (and does) happen we could start making progress - and we have. The G unit now fairly unanimously accept that climate change is happening and that its likely their smoky, power hungry little countries that are doing it. So maybe this summet could be the one! an agreement finally reached! years of expensive procrastination at lofty global board meetings might finally produce a positive outcome!

no.

Because, even though they all agree and know they should do something, when it comes round to actually taking action... well, it all sounds a bit too much like hard work. China and India don't want to cut emissions because their Industry dependent countries would loose income, America wont do anything unless everyone dose and once their not taking part frankly what is the point? and they all fly home in their fuel guzzling privet jets... still i hear the food was good and i'm sure Berlusconi wouldn't let an afternoon pass without a few lap dancers to keep the guys going so we'll just call it another expenses-paid holiday shall we? brilliant. 

Remember, Braveheart dies

It makes it hard to write a blog that is almost completely news-driven when you can't find the news. Alas this was the predicament upon my return from away-time because apparently britain at large had discovered tennis as it does so every year through the Wimbledon tournament. It was with my head in my hands that i consulted the listings to see the BBC news shunted up and down and side to side with all the dignity of an aging and over weight drag queen attempting "its raining men" on the carry-okie at a run down bar over looking Blackpool pleasure beach...

Yes the nation was once again trying with all their might to like Andy Murry enough to cheer him on to reach the final (which we all know Federer-er will win; and i assume has won upon your reading of this). The problem is that Scottish Tennis-Braveheart Murry forgot how the story of Braveheart actually ends... defeat and ceremonial execution after a long drawn-out torturing at the hands of some one cruel (in this case Andy Roddick).

You would think the BBC would be honest at this point and realize that the viewers for wimbledon will be likely to drop right off, with national interest still in the running, but it commits to its schedule-disrupting even as i sit and write this. Still its no great loss because even when i did catch the news it was just full of rather emotionless reporters confirming to me every hour on the hour that Michael Jackson is still dead... he's dead... still... still dead that one... his music is very popular but now he's dead... yeah, he'll be dead for quite a while... dead... WAIT HE'S ALIVE! oh no, my mistake, they're just showing a clip from the thriller video for the thousandth FUCKING TIME!

its with regret that i haven't discussed anything "important" but if i must have tennis and a still dead Michael Jackson rammed down my throat - so must you.

Scheduled down time

the blog is on hold because I am my only employee and I need a holiday so my hope is that nothing too interesting happens. I will be back in two weeks time to clean the site up and deal with those yet-to-be-completed cartoons!

I promise not to enjoy myself whilst gone, I never do anyway so that commitment will be easy to fulfill. 

Labour Parties Guide to Failure (volume 1)

Its been a slow and somewhat predictable news week for the most part - people generally moaning about the British National (Raciest) Party gaining those two seats last week, so at risk of repetition i'm just going to skim over the issue and refer anyone who is in a muddle about this particular story to last weeks, largely unadvertised and unread, blog about the European election.

I thought we might just participate in collective "what the fuck? seriously WHAT - THE - FUCK!?" moment looking at the Labour party. In a nut shell they are just a fail at the moment, a full and unflinching fail. the problem lies in the political parties division over weather Gordon Brown is a strong and worthy leader - or a twat. This is not a big thing in itself, m imagination would lead me to believe there are people in all parties, jobs, or even families that think their leader/boss/dad is a bit of a twat but the trick is not to say it out loud... leadership relies on people acknowledging the superiority of one - the minute people start standing up and saying:-

"you know what Gordon, your a twat - run your own government"

it encourages other people to stand up and say:-

"yeah, actually i had never really thought about it but... you ARE a twat"

which swiftly leads to:-

"fuck off you twat"

and its the fucking off that has been the key issue. Gordon Brown has decided, against all the odds, not to fuck off and so the squabbling has begun and never ended... leading to a lack of cohesiveness and action from Labour in general - in turn leading to a loss of all support and eventually this will lead to the ultimate fail at the general election...

but Labour might win yet, if they take a leaf out of the Iranian President Ahmahamadillyjadad's book and rig the election... (spelling may be subject to error but remember its not racism when your poking fun at the name of a fascists, people hating, holocaust denier) 

The European Election - a summery of...

OK so officially this post is late for anyone keeping track - but it is with good reason. With such rich pickings on the news front promised by the European election results on the sunday night it felt a bit pointless to do this before they were announced - given that most things said would be obsolete or out of date (a possible pitt fall for an article claiming to be "topical").

The results were alot to take in so its hard to know where to begin. I have opted for a sort of "euro-countdown" approach...

1.    coming in first place, with 25 seats we have the conservatives... not a great surprise here, they have claimed it was a huge victory BUT if you look at the numbers (and i have) they didn't really get that many more votes than last time round - its just that labour got so much less than the 2004 elections it sort of pushed the Conservatives into the pole position. So in that respect its a bit like winning a sprint race because your major opponent tripped, fell and knocked their head so hard that they fell unconscious (maybe died). This means that in real terms there victory was about as hollow as an easter egg and mearly built on the failures of others around them. Not overly impressive really but a winners a winner however feeble the victory.

2.   in second with 13 seats we have... UKIP! a bit of a surprise here because they are a bit of a fringe party. UKIP's message is essentially "we don't like europe and think we should leave" - quite how getting a job in europe is meant to back up this message I don't rightly know. Its a bit like me saying "i don't think Christianity's very good - we should get rid of all the christians" and then going and getting myself ordained and practicing as a priest for four years. Dosen't make any fucking sense! plus that means the ultimate goal of all of UKIP's MEP's (members of the european parliament) is to get themselves fired! What!? well good luck with that one guys...

3.    in third - also with 13 seats is our very own ruling party - Labour! apparently they have done even worse than people were expecting by coming third...  who are these people? because I for one was certainly them to do this badly... i'm going to leave out a full and frank explanation of Labour's troubles and failings until next week for now - it needs a blog of its own really but suffice to say they will be crying into their porridge for a few weeks yet about this one.

4.   11 seats go to the liberal democrats but seeing as nobody gives a toss about them we shall just move swiftly on past...

now we are really just down to a few scattered percentage points but the big disappointment of the evening was the BNP getting two whole seats... for those unfamiliar with the BNP; they are our native racists, which - in my eyes at least - probably doesn't make them the best candidates for dealing with an INTERNATIONAL parliament (i have highlighted the INTERNATIONAL to accentuate irony). i mean think about it... they could come into contact with a black man or anything! its just not safe for a poor little racist in that big mean multi-colourd europe. The most humane thing to do would be to just put them out of their misery before the traumas can even take place...

Yes i did just call for the deaths of the two BNP's to win seats in europe (just think of it as a retrospective abortion), and before the rest of them get jealous i would like to extend the sentiments to all BNP party members also - and encourage happy slapping on anyone who voted for them.

I'm tired of writing this now but could easily rant about the BNP for several more pages - I would encourage people to leave the most controversial insults they can muster for the BNP across the web... i think the country would love to hear them.

And now stand for the national anthem...

This week parliament has been in recess (thats on half term to you and me) and while you might think that would quieten the expenses scandal - it didn't. We were treated to more of David Cameron's huffing and puffing, the ceremonial execution of media dubbed "double dipper" Julie Kirkbride, and a complete lack of progress from our brittle government... but this is of no real interest to me this week...

The spot light turns instead to the wolds most pathetic dictator and part-time puppet villain (Team America for ever stains his credibility) - Yes you guessed it: he is the the one and only KIM JUNG IL (nobody he'd rather be). I would like to note that i am trying incredibly hard not to phonetically spell everything in this article with the stereotype "herro" Asian accent, but if you would like to read it as such i will not condemn.

its seems Kim has come one step closer to  god's power this week with his relentless nuclear testing! not to mention a few missile launches just for good measure. naturally the UN is getting a bit shirty about this as Kim Jung Il is just about the last person on earth to be trusted with WMDs - and not to mention the announcement from North Korea that they no longer honor the cease fire between themselves and long term enemies South Korea. There was probably a collective hard swallow from the South as they remembered those fully operational artillery units pointed right at the capital... 

BUT

As bad as Kim Jung Il is its Britain's Got Talent that really stepped intolerable cruelty up a gear this week wasn't it. Yes the show concluded this week with more child abuse than Harrogate Council could ignore in a life time. The memorable moment being 10 year old Holly Steels epic fail live on stage - suffice to say she didn't win... but it did rase the question of wether or not mummy made her do it?

"Will you sing darling, will you sing for simon?"

"No, mummy, no!" 

"Do it you little turd! or you'll be seeing mummies talent THIS FUCKING CLOSE!"

(Some sort of smacking gesture would likely take place at this point)

"OK, mummy... do you still love me?"

"no"

Even sister show North Korea's Got Talent probably isn't that brutal... but then again Kim Jung Il was likely to have been the only contestant... i hear he can armpit-fart the entire national anthem... 

Speak no evil

By far the biggest breaking news story this week has to be that of the Speaker Michael Martin's resignation from the house of commons. This is a somewhat difficult topic to cover as most people don't really know what the Speaker is for and many may have switched off already. Just so we are all up to speed lets just have a little recap on what it is he dose...

It is essentially quite simple; the Speaker's role in parliament is to keep order in the house of commons (sort of like the head master in a school) This can range from the trivial (like making sure the MPs don't get too irate in debates) to the more important stuff - like making sure MPs don't horrifically misuse public money on extravagant chandeliers, houses they don't live in or (racking up its second mention this month) tampons for men... some of you may have noticed an EPIC fail in there...

What has he been doing for the last eight years! i can't believe there were people actually surprised he resigned. I mean don't get me wrong here - its not all his fault, its the MPs who actually abused the monies but he was the one telling them it was OK - to go ahead because no one will ever know - wink wink, nudge nudge, gentle tap on arse - now get off and order your self another duck island you wee fucker. 

the real annoyance though is that people actually say he was a GOOD Speaker! good at what? he isn't even that good at actually speaking! feebly crying "Order...o..order" with that weak and whiney Glasgow accent (not that i have anything against the Glasgow accent just weak and whiney ones) and then there is all this harping on about his "humble" roots as a sheet metal worker, well good for him - i can rest a lot easier knowing he has got a career to go back too.

When all is said and done i think its clear what side i come down on in the pro vs. anti Speaker debate. Personally i would like to see more heads role but i will take Michael Martins biblical public lynching as a good start. more please...

Euro-fix

Another painful Eurovision behind us - where it ought to be. I suppose secretly we do all like the program but this year we actually had a reason to watch. due to a change in the voting system those ungrateful eastern countries couldn't just vote for there commie mates, apparently every country had an "Expert" (a term loosely used i am sure) Judging panel. the panel would vote on performance and not who they are scared will invade them. with this taken in to account conceivably we could have won no? no.

think about it. if all the lithuanians vote for Russia because they want to get a steady supply of oil for the next twelve months its reasonable to assume that the "Expert" Judges will think that twelve months of oil will be a good idea too. maybe thats a bit cynical but i just cant see what constitutes a singing expert in lithuania...

still this year had it moments, the guitarist for Portugal's ludicrous entry looks like he might still have Madeline locked in his basement (I went there) and we got national treasure Andrew Lloyd-webber actually playing the piano for our entry - shortly before he put his cape back on wrote "the phantom was here" in blood on the plasma screens and disappeared into the catacombs beneath the stadium. (the last bit may have taken some artistic license for a more exciting reader experience)

in the end though Norway won and i am so annoyed about this I'm not even going to comment... OK i will comment - he was crap and he looked like Zak Effron and his song was shit and he looked about twelve and... and... and how could we loose! we had Andrew Lloyd-Webber!!!

Europe had its chance to vote fair and they blew it - ready the missiles! our entry next year is going to be a depleted uranium shell, lets see them give us "nil poia" when we split an atom over them.

although we didn't do that bad really - fifth :)

Offensive Expenses

you have to wonder why MP's get paid a salary at all when you take a glance at the freshly published list of expenses which came out of Westminster only this week. the comical highlight had to be the use of public money on a box of tampons (the claim not even from a female MP - not that we should judge a man for what he rams up his arse) At the other end of the spectrum the moral low light a set of pricey home improvements for a house neither in the MP's constituency nor anywhere near Westminster (the MP in question has released a statement via the BBC's daily politics show but i would rather not include it in the interest of keeping this argument as one-sided as possible).

I thought expenses were meant to make sure that being a member of parliament was affordable for anyone who took the job not a "cream as much as you can" challenge. To date i have paid about £300 in tax on my humble earnings as a part time retail assistant this year - but i thought i was paying to keep people alive through the NHS? or paying to keep the streets free of crime through our police force? or at the very least i liked to think i was contributing to the refining of some uranium for use in a big bully boy nuke!... but alas - i was actually paying for Jackie Smiths Genuine leatherette sofa (or maybe a copy of "Super Titty Bang 3: Suffocation" for her unfortunate husband).

The resulting outcry is for MPs to no longer have expenses - but i disagree. As mentioned in the very first line of this proudly unbalanced analysis - why do they get paid a salary at all when every thing they could ever need, from male tampons to double glazed conservatories, are claimed on expenses? the answer is: they shouldn't. keep the expenses, loose the salary... be a shame not to have a use for all those dishonest money grabbing skills wouldn't it?

have I been unfair? tell you what: I'm happy to be sued for defamation by any member of parliament just so long as they use their own money to pay for their legal team and not the tax payers'... not such an appealing offer now eh?

Aporkalypse

We open onto a world deep in recession and just as you may begin to think it can get no worse - the flu is back and spreading we are told, this time sponsored by the lovable and tasty farm yard animal 'PIG'. I speak of swine flu...

'swine'? since when have we been using the word 'swine'? its a pig is it not - maybe pig flu is just too blunt, just sounds a touch unintelligible i guess. although i hear the flu is actually a strain  that contains more bird flu than swine but bird flu is so 2006 and swine is much more intimidating. swine. SWINE! that flu can be a real swine - actually its camp isn't it? oh well epic fail for virus marketing again . 'sudden death' flu - that'll get more attention or your money back.

so pigs are picking up the blame leading to a boycotting of pork and the worlds jewish community screaming 'i told you so'. muslim countries sharing the sentiments - so much in common, however did that that Israel\Palestine thing go so far? can't they all just unite under the banner of slightly over-the-top pig suspicion? the UK isn't too fussed though, there was still a que outside the hot pork bap trailer when i was indulging in some light, economy restoring, consumerism this weekend anyway.

arching back on to topic - swine flu looks like a real kick in the ribs too far but wait! what was unemployment on now? two or three million wasn't it (UK figures). so how could we bring that overly large figure down by a couple mil? sweeping global pandemic anyone? i for one am slightly suspect of the convenience of this whole affair - i bet the US did it, they would pin it on mexico too wouldn't they! god that is SO like them! Oh my god swine flu! everybody look! everybody look!

They could even use the opportunity as a diversion and invade another country! Iran is looking suspicious aren't they? trying to improve their economy and strengthen their national infrastructure with the development of nuclear power! outrageous... fucking outrageous.

to summaries: America did it, sounds about right doesn't it? bit harder to make the U S of A the enemy now that Obama chaps in office though innit? because... because... i think he's alright actually. shit we haven't got anywhere.

im not starting over - this took too long already.