And now stand for the national anthem...

This week parliament has been in recess (thats on half term to you and me) and while you might think that would quieten the expenses scandal - it didn't. We were treated to more of David Cameron's huffing and puffing, the ceremonial execution of media dubbed "double dipper" Julie Kirkbride, and a complete lack of progress from our brittle government... but this is of no real interest to me this week...

The spot light turns instead to the wolds most pathetic dictator and part-time puppet villain (Team America for ever stains his credibility) - Yes you guessed it: he is the the one and only KIM JUNG IL (nobody he'd rather be). I would like to note that i am trying incredibly hard not to phonetically spell everything in this article with the stereotype "herro" Asian accent, but if you would like to read it as such i will not condemn.

its seems Kim has come one step closer to  god's power this week with his relentless nuclear testing! not to mention a few missile launches just for good measure. naturally the UN is getting a bit shirty about this as Kim Jung Il is just about the last person on earth to be trusted with WMDs - and not to mention the announcement from North Korea that they no longer honor the cease fire between themselves and long term enemies South Korea. There was probably a collective hard swallow from the South as they remembered those fully operational artillery units pointed right at the capital... 

BUT

As bad as Kim Jung Il is its Britain's Got Talent that really stepped intolerable cruelty up a gear this week wasn't it. Yes the show concluded this week with more child abuse than Harrogate Council could ignore in a life time. The memorable moment being 10 year old Holly Steels epic fail live on stage - suffice to say she didn't win... but it did rase the question of wether or not mummy made her do it?

"Will you sing darling, will you sing for simon?"

"No, mummy, no!" 

"Do it you little turd! or you'll be seeing mummies talent THIS FUCKING CLOSE!"

(Some sort of smacking gesture would likely take place at this point)

"OK, mummy... do you still love me?"

"no"

Even sister show North Korea's Got Talent probably isn't that brutal... but then again Kim Jung Il was likely to have been the only contestant... i hear he can armpit-fart the entire national anthem... 

Speak no evil

By far the biggest breaking news story this week has to be that of the Speaker Michael Martin's resignation from the house of commons. This is a somewhat difficult topic to cover as most people don't really know what the Speaker is for and many may have switched off already. Just so we are all up to speed lets just have a little recap on what it is he dose...

It is essentially quite simple; the Speaker's role in parliament is to keep order in the house of commons (sort of like the head master in a school) This can range from the trivial (like making sure the MPs don't get too irate in debates) to the more important stuff - like making sure MPs don't horrifically misuse public money on extravagant chandeliers, houses they don't live in or (racking up its second mention this month) tampons for men... some of you may have noticed an EPIC fail in there...

What has he been doing for the last eight years! i can't believe there were people actually surprised he resigned. I mean don't get me wrong here - its not all his fault, its the MPs who actually abused the monies but he was the one telling them it was OK - to go ahead because no one will ever know - wink wink, nudge nudge, gentle tap on arse - now get off and order your self another duck island you wee fucker. 

the real annoyance though is that people actually say he was a GOOD Speaker! good at what? he isn't even that good at actually speaking! feebly crying "Order...o..order" with that weak and whiney Glasgow accent (not that i have anything against the Glasgow accent just weak and whiney ones) and then there is all this harping on about his "humble" roots as a sheet metal worker, well good for him - i can rest a lot easier knowing he has got a career to go back too.

When all is said and done i think its clear what side i come down on in the pro vs. anti Speaker debate. Personally i would like to see more heads role but i will take Michael Martins biblical public lynching as a good start. more please...

Euro-fix

Another painful Eurovision behind us - where it ought to be. I suppose secretly we do all like the program but this year we actually had a reason to watch. due to a change in the voting system those ungrateful eastern countries couldn't just vote for there commie mates, apparently every country had an "Expert" (a term loosely used i am sure) Judging panel. the panel would vote on performance and not who they are scared will invade them. with this taken in to account conceivably we could have won no? no.

think about it. if all the lithuanians vote for Russia because they want to get a steady supply of oil for the next twelve months its reasonable to assume that the "Expert" Judges will think that twelve months of oil will be a good idea too. maybe thats a bit cynical but i just cant see what constitutes a singing expert in lithuania...

still this year had it moments, the guitarist for Portugal's ludicrous entry looks like he might still have Madeline locked in his basement (I went there) and we got national treasure Andrew Lloyd-webber actually playing the piano for our entry - shortly before he put his cape back on wrote "the phantom was here" in blood on the plasma screens and disappeared into the catacombs beneath the stadium. (the last bit may have taken some artistic license for a more exciting reader experience)

in the end though Norway won and i am so annoyed about this I'm not even going to comment... OK i will comment - he was crap and he looked like Zak Effron and his song was shit and he looked about twelve and... and... and how could we loose! we had Andrew Lloyd-Webber!!!

Europe had its chance to vote fair and they blew it - ready the missiles! our entry next year is going to be a depleted uranium shell, lets see them give us "nil poia" when we split an atom over them.

although we didn't do that bad really - fifth :)

Offensive Expenses

you have to wonder why MP's get paid a salary at all when you take a glance at the freshly published list of expenses which came out of Westminster only this week. the comical highlight had to be the use of public money on a box of tampons (the claim not even from a female MP - not that we should judge a man for what he rams up his arse) At the other end of the spectrum the moral low light a set of pricey home improvements for a house neither in the MP's constituency nor anywhere near Westminster (the MP in question has released a statement via the BBC's daily politics show but i would rather not include it in the interest of keeping this argument as one-sided as possible).

I thought expenses were meant to make sure that being a member of parliament was affordable for anyone who took the job not a "cream as much as you can" challenge. To date i have paid about £300 in tax on my humble earnings as a part time retail assistant this year - but i thought i was paying to keep people alive through the NHS? or paying to keep the streets free of crime through our police force? or at the very least i liked to think i was contributing to the refining of some uranium for use in a big bully boy nuke!... but alas - i was actually paying for Jackie Smiths Genuine leatherette sofa (or maybe a copy of "Super Titty Bang 3: Suffocation" for her unfortunate husband).

The resulting outcry is for MPs to no longer have expenses - but i disagree. As mentioned in the very first line of this proudly unbalanced analysis - why do they get paid a salary at all when every thing they could ever need, from male tampons to double glazed conservatories, are claimed on expenses? the answer is: they shouldn't. keep the expenses, loose the salary... be a shame not to have a use for all those dishonest money grabbing skills wouldn't it?

have I been unfair? tell you what: I'm happy to be sued for defamation by any member of parliament just so long as they use their own money to pay for their legal team and not the tax payers'... not such an appealing offer now eh?

Aporkalypse

We open onto a world deep in recession and just as you may begin to think it can get no worse - the flu is back and spreading we are told, this time sponsored by the lovable and tasty farm yard animal 'PIG'. I speak of swine flu...

'swine'? since when have we been using the word 'swine'? its a pig is it not - maybe pig flu is just too blunt, just sounds a touch unintelligible i guess. although i hear the flu is actually a strain  that contains more bird flu than swine but bird flu is so 2006 and swine is much more intimidating. swine. SWINE! that flu can be a real swine - actually its camp isn't it? oh well epic fail for virus marketing again . 'sudden death' flu - that'll get more attention or your money back.

so pigs are picking up the blame leading to a boycotting of pork and the worlds jewish community screaming 'i told you so'. muslim countries sharing the sentiments - so much in common, however did that that Israel\Palestine thing go so far? can't they all just unite under the banner of slightly over-the-top pig suspicion? the UK isn't too fussed though, there was still a que outside the hot pork bap trailer when i was indulging in some light, economy restoring, consumerism this weekend anyway.

arching back on to topic - swine flu looks like a real kick in the ribs too far but wait! what was unemployment on now? two or three million wasn't it (UK figures). so how could we bring that overly large figure down by a couple mil? sweeping global pandemic anyone? i for one am slightly suspect of the convenience of this whole affair - i bet the US did it, they would pin it on mexico too wouldn't they! god that is SO like them! Oh my god swine flu! everybody look! everybody look!

They could even use the opportunity as a diversion and invade another country! Iran is looking suspicious aren't they? trying to improve their economy and strengthen their national infrastructure with the development of nuclear power! outrageous... fucking outrageous.

to summaries: America did it, sounds about right doesn't it? bit harder to make the U S of A the enemy now that Obama chaps in office though innit? because... because... i think he's alright actually. shit we haven't got anywhere.

im not starting over - this took too long already.